What do your insecurities tell you?

The past few weeks have been hard.

If you follow my journey, you know I’ve been sharing some of my struggles. But last Thursday? It was the culmination of all the hard bottled up into one no-good-very-bad-day.

I want to dive into sharing this story and the full circle learnings I’ve experienced because in these moments - I think habit building is something we strongly overlook as being a saving grace in our lives.

Last week was BIG for our larger team in our wellness business. Lots of tremendous goals and dreams started to be met and uncovered. Excitement all around!! And lots to celebrate! But I’ll be honest in saying - those weren’t the only feelings I experienced.

It pains me to share this deep level of insecurity, but I’m certain every human on this planet has had moments of conflicted feelings. And in those moments, you may have wanted to wave the white flag. Maybe you did. Maybe you didn’t but you couldn’t figure out HOW to get past the feeling of defeat.

But let’s be real. It’s insanely scary to get that vulnerable and honest. To feel so defeated by your own thoughts? By your own self pity? And OH NO - what will others think? Sometimes it seems easier to “just give up already” and hide your true colors. To simply pretend that maybe we don’t really feel the way we do. Actually - that’s 100% easier. But does that really help us grow? Definitely not.

Amongst the conflict, I tried HARD to fight. I wanted to be the cheerleader for everyone. I wanted to be a good person, to do the right thing and stay positive. But after a few days - I just couldn’t do it. I couldn’t be positive and I didn’t know why.

It was like this tidal wave of darkness flooded my heart and my mind.

Even with all the excitement, I simultaneously felt myself slipping into self-loathing, self-doubt, anger, frustration, feelings of inadequacy and overall - jealousy. I felt left behind. I felt under qualified. I felt unable to lead others who were depending on me. The soundtrack in my mind went into overdrive…

“Erin - you’re not good enough.
You’re not meant to be here.
Others don’t need you.
You’re better off giving up.”

But WHY?! WHY in the world during such an exciting time was I struggling to embrace the truth. Instead of overjoyed, I was overwhelmed. My conflicted feelings had me convinced I am a terrible person and I couldn’t put my finger on WHAT was happening. I wanted to authentically support the amazing people around me - but my feelings prevented it.

That was the end. My ability to think clearly was gone. And I knew the best thing to do was to take a step back, shut it down and unplug.

On Saturday morning - after a few days of overwhelm from my conflicted emotions - I read the below. And it was the most mind-blowing experience of God honest truth - fed straight into my heart and my brain at the EXACT moment I needed it.

This devotional starts with a story by Lysa Terkeurst. She was swimming with her sister and one day, encouraged her to climb on her back and head into the deep end with her. As they made their way down the slope from the shallow end to the deep end, she slipped on the bottom. They both went under, panicked and her sister gripped her hands around her neck - trying to get to the surface. Lysa was suffocating, foggy and unsure of how to get to safety. The girls were drowning. She doesn’t remember how they were saved, but they were. Then, the devotional leads into this…

LIFE-SAVING TRUTH
Embraced by: Lysa Terkeurst

“You know where I see this drowning without water and a subsequent panicked response most often? A woman’s insecurities.

I guarantee you’ve felt the choking effects of insecurity even if you don’t call it that.

You’re not as talented or smart or experienced as she is.

Protect yourself and your dignity. Don’t dare try this new venture.

If only you were as organized or intentional or creative as they are, then maybe you could accomplish this. But the reality is, you’re not.

You know this is never going to work, right?

How do I know you feel these things? Because I’ve experienced them myself. Just like in that pool all those years ago, I can go from standing securely with my head above water to slipping down a slope with seemingly nothing to grab hold of. Then the insecurity, always kind of present on my shoulder, slips into a death grip around my throat.

My insecurities grip to the point where nothing life giving can get in. I forget truth. I don’t even want to go to church. My mind gets foggy very quickly, and suddenly I can’t figure out which way to go to find safety.

I’m drowning.

That’s the thing about insecurity. When it grips us, the very thing we need most - truth - is the very thing we have a hard time grasping. I can be so close to truth but will be drowning with my insecurities. I can have truth sitting on my nightstand. I can have it preached to me on Sundays. But grasping it and standing on it and letting it shift my thinking away from panic - that’s something that requires truth to be more than just close.

That requires truth to be inside me, guiding me, rewiring my thinking and whispering, “Safety is right here. Insecurity will stop choking you when you remove its grip. Insecurity only has power over you when you allow it control over your thoughts.” And as we delight in the truth of God’s word and live out the truth of God’s Word, it truly becomes a lifeline to our souls.”

I’m still in SHOCK. The timing. The impeccable analogy. I can’t get over it. My insecurities were so overwhelming, they were drowning me and my thoughts. I couldn’t grab on to the truth. I couldn’t see straight or focus on the good or authentically celebrate others. They had me convinced of all the wrong things.

Now my heart is pushing me to share the power of this devotional. No matter how uncomfortable its making me feel. Chances are you can relate to having conflicted feelings. Whether you can admit that or not.

There have been many moments in my life when I’ve questioned faith. Where I’ve had a hard time truly understanding what God means in my life and how I can continue to live with truth in my heart. But I know for certain this message was no mistake. Once I took a few days to cut out the noise, vivid messages of truth and the important things to focus on appeared over and over. And now, my head and my heart are in a much better place.

3 years ago, I wasn’t reading devotionals. I wasn’t practicing gratitude. I wasn’t feeding my brain with positivity through personal development. Quite honestly - I had no idea how any of those things could benefit my life.

But now I know why. I know EXACTLY why these kinds of habits are incredibly powerful - because they can and will pull you out from under the darkest insecurities you have. The disguised thoughts. The fake beliefs. The misinterpreted events you may experience.

I was introduced to these habits when I became a wellness coach and without them, there’s no way I would have come out on the other side this time around. They have helped me realign my mind and have taught me how to feed truth back into my heart.

While I’m an insecure work-in-progress, I’m glad I’m growing into a work-in-progress rather than a stagnant scaredy cat. Yes - my insecurities can get extremely LOUD, but at the end of the day, I’m choosing to be proud of how I’m getting honest and learning through them rather than retreating and pushing away the good in my life (like I have in the past).

Is that easy to do? Nope. Is it painless? Nope. Is it scary and embarrassing? Eff yeah it is.

But if we don’t acknowledge that feelings can stem from insecurities, speak up about them and learn more about WHY they’re happening - how do we evolve? How do we get back to a place of clarity and digging into the truth?

Are we just supposed to simply give in and give up? NO.

If we do that - Insecurity WINS. And that does nothing but strip us of what’s good in life.

So, my question for you today…what are your insecurities telling you? And what truth are YOU digging into so you can come out on the other side?